Update to last night's post

Yeah it's official between her and him. I'm sure it's been official for a while but I was too hung up on my own feelings to let it sink in. I sent her a txt asking were him and her a thing and she said "honestly, yes".

I should have seen it coming as she has been quite distant from me for a few weeks now, pretty much just treating me like any other guy in our class, basic pleasantries and little else. I wish them the best of luck as they're both nice people and objective observer would be like "so they're getting together? meh, things like that happen"

Part of me didn't want to admit to the obvious signs (even to me, who's useless at picking up subtle things). I guess at one stage she was genuinely close to me but then got frustrated that it was going nowhere. I tend to do that, proceed slowly until I'm 100% sure but then she's dropping subtle hints at me and getting frustrated. I guess it's a combination of me not wanting to get hurt and not believing that this is happening to me who's rarely received such affection and I want to know if it's for real or is she just that way with everybody. I can tell by the way she's acting around me that she's thinking "that ship has sailed, I tried to get through to him but he didn't warm up or respond".

All I can say as I block up that part of my life is that I missed the feeling of being close to her and wish to feel like that again with her or any other girl in my life ahead. I'll light a fairy light next to her photo in the back of my mind to signify that my feelings for her haven't fully been extinguished but are flickering away as a reminder to myself. She very well may have washed her hands of the prospect of ever getting close to me again. which I'm saddened by but understand.

Hmm it seems that I'm only inspired to post to this when inspired by love or dejection

I realise that it's been quite a while since I posted to this blog. The main reasons are that I've been concentrating on the trials, tribulations and assignments of my new university course. It's taken me a while to settle and find a status que with the relationships between myself and my fellow students. Love life? well it's been a passive journey more then an active pursuit (which I'm aware can be seen as a detriment  if a potential girlfriend has been waiting for me to take the initiative and make a move).

There is one whom, was initially quite flirtatious towards me despite already being in a relationship with a guy. My first reaction (if it was wise, I've no Idea but it was what I wanted to do at the time) was to carry on the flirtation as if it was consequence free as I didn't know the guy and she didn't seem to mention him much, if at all. It felt nice to look forward to something, "oh I wonder if she's in today?" and also I found it quite enjoyable to talk to her both in college and outside via IM messages often revelling in the challenge of making her laugh . I found myself trying to get to know more about her especially since we seemed to have quite a lot in common, more-so I'm inclined to think, then any other girl I'd met up until this point but that could've just been my mind being captivated by the enjoyment of those moments. It's been quite a while, and I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be so flirtatious. In the back of my mind I was aware that she was in a relationship (at least at that moment) and so I was sort of pushing the issue until she drew a clear line in the sand, or gently reminding me that she had a boyfriend, but it didn't seem to happen.

Now this girl, Initially I wouldn't have characterised as "my type" visually, but then, I'd say what I would say as "my type" visually wouldn't be anywhere near enough of a personality match. She was making quite bold statement with her appearance and I must admit I was a bit apprehensive about getting to know her because of this fact. But the more we talked the closer I felt we got and as I was saying I was quite enjoying getting to know this person and getting close to her. Once I got past the initially off-putting and quite bold style statements I realised that this girl was quite attractive, very much so.

Fast forward a few months as what I described above lasted up until this point. Within the past week I've learned that she's recently become single but has also has barely been in college. Now the week before this happened she was really quite cold and distant and I was starting to wonder was it me, but when she broke up with the boyfriend she seemed to thaw to her former self for a few days at least.

Now there's a guys house whom I and a few others have hung out in a few times as It's a short distance walk from the college. I was learning that during this week she was hanging at his quite a bit even staying the night. In a combination of naivety and optimism I assumed she was crashing on his couch and initially it seems, at least, I could well have been right.

Now on Thursday night  she was organising a charity night in a pub with local bands playing. It was quite a fun night and a blast but I admit I throwing caution to the wind and getting rather drunk, The drink was cheap and the music was fantastic. The guy who's place we've been to before offered for the 2 of us to crash at his which was quite generous of him. I assumed I would be on the floor and that she would be on the couch as I said, probably due to blindness, I was still under the impression that nothing was going on between them, also It was still quite recently after the breakup, Thinking of it these things tend to start well before the break up is "official" so this could well have been going on for months, It was quite a blow to my system but it didn't really hit home quite yet as there was a part in the back of my mind stating "this could be something casual, sure they slept in the same bed and are doing things like buying drinks and doing favours for each other but they could still be just friends fooling around" I'd like to call this the Homer Simpson "it's still good, it's still good" defence mechanism or for you budding shrinks "a river in Egypt". It only really hit 100% home when just a few hours ago another friend in college told me he heard her saying she was thinking of moving into his place......

It's still taking a while to sink in. That feeling that I'm still close to her is still there but is probably just a whisp of an illusion at this stage, while it may have been true a few months ago In my mind she was still in a relationship and so didn't fully pursue anything. I'll never know if a relationship was ever on the cards with her and if it was my caution that cost me that chance or maybe I was just an emotional prop to help her while she moved from the down turn of one relationship into the up turn of another. I do not know. If I'll ever feel close to her again. I do not know if I ever was close to her.... was it just a feeling.  Or maybe she was genuinely pursuing me and it was all 100% legit and then realised I wasn't the "catch" she thought I was. I don't know which is sadder really.

My closing thought is this, my well of affection towards her isn't dry but in frozen suspension for it's protection while I figure out if she's still receptive towards me. If so then it can be reanimated with ease, if not then I'm afraid it'll be with regret that it'll have to be walled off and disassembled.