Been busy but here's some xmas thoughts among other things

As I sit here on the Dart (Dublin Area Rapid Transit for those non Irish reading) as it transports me to the city centre I am left musing about the festive season. Clearly it has no religious connotations for me as I am an Atheist and a Skeptic ( the two are not mutually exclusive). So what does it mean to me? Well there is the traditional gift giving and family gathering, but what if those were eliminated (not that I'm not grateful for the gifts I received, more on those later)? Would I still regard the holiday so fondly? Well of course there is that, a holiday! It varies in length from profession to profession and myself as a student I probably get a lot more than most. But on the flip side of that, my end of semester exams are to be taken towards the end of my holidays (and I happen to be smack in the middle of them) which taints the thrill of having time off somewhat.

Now onto gift giving and receiving, mostly at this stage in life I receive cash as no-one wants to risk being presumptuous as to my current desires for gifts so cash is an easy way of saying (buy whatever, on us). This also is respectful of my young adulthood and the fact that I'm capable of making my own decisions. I, of course, reciprocated in similar fashion unless I knew of an appropriate gift. It only happened once, with my Dad. I gave him the first two disk world books as I know he's an avid reader and I made a judgement that he'd enjoy the particularly light hearted and humorous take on fantasy. Also because they are the perfect introduction to the disk world series because not only are they the first two books but they are also the only books that are tied (ie one is a sequel to the other) the others are pretty much self contained pick up and read stories (all within the disk world universe of course).

I'm taking intermediary breaks from the study to socialise (as it's exam season) both on the social media and in real life, face to face, interaction. There's an Atheist's in the pub meeting 2 days after I finish so hopefully I'll be able to attend that, though there is talk of the class going out after the final exam so it'll depend on my fanatical resources if I attend both, either or neither. I quite enjoy the little Atheists in the pub sojourns so that has a big draw for me but on the other hand it's important to socialise with my fellow class mates even if going out clubbing isn't really my idea of a good night out any more  My preference would be to go to the Atheists in the pub as it typically has intellectually stimulating conversation over a few pints but if I have the ability to attend both I will.

I'll most likely post this when I get home as I don't have a 3G modem in my Laptop.

Update to last night's post

Yeah it's official between her and him. I'm sure it's been official for a while but I was too hung up on my own feelings to let it sink in. I sent her a txt asking were him and her a thing and she said "honestly, yes".

I should have seen it coming as she has been quite distant from me for a few weeks now, pretty much just treating me like any other guy in our class, basic pleasantries and little else. I wish them the best of luck as they're both nice people and objective observer would be like "so they're getting together? meh, things like that happen"

Part of me didn't want to admit to the obvious signs (even to me, who's useless at picking up subtle things). I guess at one stage she was genuinely close to me but then got frustrated that it was going nowhere. I tend to do that, proceed slowly until I'm 100% sure but then she's dropping subtle hints at me and getting frustrated. I guess it's a combination of me not wanting to get hurt and not believing that this is happening to me who's rarely received such affection and I want to know if it's for real or is she just that way with everybody. I can tell by the way she's acting around me that she's thinking "that ship has sailed, I tried to get through to him but he didn't warm up or respond".

All I can say as I block up that part of my life is that I missed the feeling of being close to her and wish to feel like that again with her or any other girl in my life ahead. I'll light a fairy light next to her photo in the back of my mind to signify that my feelings for her haven't fully been extinguished but are flickering away as a reminder to myself. She very well may have washed her hands of the prospect of ever getting close to me again. which I'm saddened by but understand.

Hmm it seems that I'm only inspired to post to this when inspired by love or dejection

I realise that it's been quite a while since I posted to this blog. The main reasons are that I've been concentrating on the trials, tribulations and assignments of my new university course. It's taken me a while to settle and find a status que with the relationships between myself and my fellow students. Love life? well it's been a passive journey more then an active pursuit (which I'm aware can be seen as a detriment  if a potential girlfriend has been waiting for me to take the initiative and make a move).

There is one whom, was initially quite flirtatious towards me despite already being in a relationship with a guy. My first reaction (if it was wise, I've no Idea but it was what I wanted to do at the time) was to carry on the flirtation as if it was consequence free as I didn't know the guy and she didn't seem to mention him much, if at all. It felt nice to look forward to something, "oh I wonder if she's in today?" and also I found it quite enjoyable to talk to her both in college and outside via IM messages often revelling in the challenge of making her laugh . I found myself trying to get to know more about her especially since we seemed to have quite a lot in common, more-so I'm inclined to think, then any other girl I'd met up until this point but that could've just been my mind being captivated by the enjoyment of those moments. It's been quite a while, and I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be so flirtatious. In the back of my mind I was aware that she was in a relationship (at least at that moment) and so I was sort of pushing the issue until she drew a clear line in the sand, or gently reminding me that she had a boyfriend, but it didn't seem to happen.

Now this girl, Initially I wouldn't have characterised as "my type" visually, but then, I'd say what I would say as "my type" visually wouldn't be anywhere near enough of a personality match. She was making quite bold statement with her appearance and I must admit I was a bit apprehensive about getting to know her because of this fact. But the more we talked the closer I felt we got and as I was saying I was quite enjoying getting to know this person and getting close to her. Once I got past the initially off-putting and quite bold style statements I realised that this girl was quite attractive, very much so.

Fast forward a few months as what I described above lasted up until this point. Within the past week I've learned that she's recently become single but has also has barely been in college. Now the week before this happened she was really quite cold and distant and I was starting to wonder was it me, but when she broke up with the boyfriend she seemed to thaw to her former self for a few days at least.

Now there's a guys house whom I and a few others have hung out in a few times as It's a short distance walk from the college. I was learning that during this week she was hanging at his quite a bit even staying the night. In a combination of naivety and optimism I assumed she was crashing on his couch and initially it seems, at least, I could well have been right.

Now on Thursday night  she was organising a charity night in a pub with local bands playing. It was quite a fun night and a blast but I admit I throwing caution to the wind and getting rather drunk, The drink was cheap and the music was fantastic. The guy who's place we've been to before offered for the 2 of us to crash at his which was quite generous of him. I assumed I would be on the floor and that she would be on the couch as I said, probably due to blindness, I was still under the impression that nothing was going on between them, also It was still quite recently after the breakup, Thinking of it these things tend to start well before the break up is "official" so this could well have been going on for months, It was quite a blow to my system but it didn't really hit home quite yet as there was a part in the back of my mind stating "this could be something casual, sure they slept in the same bed and are doing things like buying drinks and doing favours for each other but they could still be just friends fooling around" I'd like to call this the Homer Simpson "it's still good, it's still good" defence mechanism or for you budding shrinks "a river in Egypt". It only really hit 100% home when just a few hours ago another friend in college told me he heard her saying she was thinking of moving into his place......

It's still taking a while to sink in. That feeling that I'm still close to her is still there but is probably just a whisp of an illusion at this stage, while it may have been true a few months ago In my mind she was still in a relationship and so didn't fully pursue anything. I'll never know if a relationship was ever on the cards with her and if it was my caution that cost me that chance or maybe I was just an emotional prop to help her while she moved from the down turn of one relationship into the up turn of another. I do not know. If I'll ever feel close to her again. I do not know if I ever was close to her.... was it just a feeling.  Or maybe she was genuinely pursuing me and it was all 100% legit and then realised I wasn't the "catch" she thought I was. I don't know which is sadder really.

My closing thought is this, my well of affection towards her isn't dry but in frozen suspension for it's protection while I figure out if she's still receptive towards me. If so then it can be reanimated with ease, if not then I'm afraid it'll be with regret that it'll have to be walled off and disassembled.

Mmm, neglectful of this Blog I have been.

Well there are a few reasons for that. It's a combination of nothing really happening and me assessing if what has happened is suitable for shouting out into the dark void that the internet can be. I'll to summerise these events and my thoughts on them as best as I can.

So I went to the most recent Atheist's in the Pub which happened last thursday. Partly with the hope that Xena was there and partly because I always enjoy the social interaction and the talks that occur at these meetings. Well she was but while we got on fine I didn't get the same vibe that I got during our first interaction maybe I should have acted sooner and asked for her number and now she's kinna feeling detached and is reassessing the whole situation or maybe I misread the initial interaction and was projecting something onto her. I don't think so because I wasn't in the flirtatious mood when I set out that night as I don't tend to find girls I like when going to these meetings. Anyway I have added her on facebook and so it's not a total loss even if we end up being just friends.

I've begun my first week in the Computer Science course and while it's just the first week and everything is still up in the air I'm getting a fair Idea of what subjects I prefer over the others. The Programming module is definitely my favourite even though we've only had one lecture in it so far. I remember it from the first time around as just learning a way to tell the computer what to do and get it to do what you want. Maths strangely enough looks to be my weakest subject out of the gate and the one that I'll have to work on the most. The other subjects are: Communications, which is about essay writing, report writing, researching, proper citation and presentations, if it wasn't for Maths I'd say this would be the one I was least looking forward to. There is Computer Architecture, which as it sounds is about hardware and processors and the history of the physical aspects of the computer. This is all theory and notes mind you no hands on really. IT Fundamentals is another one, and that's about how IT interacts with companies and the business world. Programme Design is the final one but since we've not had that yet I can't say much about it. I think it's about pseudo code and thinking out the layout of your code and what you want it to do before you jump in and start coding.

I've found that my body clock has taken a bit of a whack as I'm not used to these early mornings. I find that I'm frequently tired when I get home despite the days not being particularly taxing as it's only the first week and all the lecturers are doing is giving the overview of the courses before we actually get down into anything.

In terms of social interaction with my new classmates well there's 80 of them and I've only been in 2 half arsed days (by both the students and the lecturers) but any chance I get that I'm sitting down next to someone I've not met before I always stick out my hand and introduce myself. Now I must confess I've forgotten 90% of their names within 20 mins of leaving that lecture as I'm terrible at remembering names but at least I'm making an effort to be friendly and they know that I'm a nice guy to go up and talk to, even if the most we'll see each other is if we happen to be assigned a project together. But you never know I might meet them if I join a society with them in or on one of my few and far between visit to the "college pub" (it's not strictly run by the college but it's the nearest one and students are pretty much all that go to it and so they do cheapish pints and pitcher deals).

Secularism/Skepticism what are they and what they mean to me

I noticed that I throw around the terms Secularism and Skepticism around without really explaining their meaning (both in the general sense and also what they mean to me). I'm sure this must be annoying for some of you who are reading this blog.

Secularism is the view that a government should not be swayed by religious arguments, use personal beliefs of the members when writing laws, nor should they show any favouritism towards any denomination whether by directly funding a state religion, by mentioning a state religion in laws or the constitution of the country or mentioning personal beliefs of the individuals when representing the state in public speeches or press conferences.

The most common knee-jerk reaction by the very religious upon hearing this is that it means "banning religion or religious expression" which isn't true, it means that the state must be neutral in matters of religion and mustn't show favouritism towards one or the other. Private citizens still have to right to religious beliefs and public gatherings expressing such beliefs , such as going to church, or a mosque etc. as are the members of the government in their private time as private citizens, it just means the government cannot hold a public prayer meeting because then they would have to invite representatives from every religion in the state to conduct prayers for their respective religions. This would be fair but a logistics nightmare so the only other 100% fair option is to simply stay out of the religious argument and if church X want to do a public prayer or fundraiser they are perfectly entitled to do so but won't be getting state funding or a state endorsement.

Skepticism is a movement that mostly (but not always) leads to Atheism but they aren't interchangeable terms or necessarily directly related (but tend to be). Skeptics tend to put quite a lot of weighting, on whether something is demonstrably true or not, on scientific evidence or the general consensus of the scientific community. The burden of proof lies with the individual or individuals who make an assertion and then the cogs of the scientific method and peer review are then set in motion. Some examples of things that have, and continue to fail the burden of proof are Homeopathy, Astrology, Psychics and any claims of a supernatural deity.

To me my Atheism is a natural progression of my scepticism as all Atheism means is "not-theism" or the rejection of the theistic claims. You might ask why would I go to these Atheist Ireland or Skeptics in the pub meetings? Do all we discuss is how we don't believe in god? no not at all, because that would be a bit stupid and awkward. We all have something in common just like if you were to join a book club or a photo club or a travel club, except these are social meetups and a chance to make friends with regular attendees, in fact I'd say it's better than these other clubs because there is simply no restrictions on what people discuss. You could wander from one conversation about what's in the cinema at the moment to whether cloud computing is a viable future to US politics (or even Irish politics) and that is the reason why I try to make events when I can.

People always say that life swings in roundabouts....

So I got a letter a few days ago telling me that I wasn't eligible for the back to education allowance which is an incentive for people on social welfare to go back to education to re-skill or to study and get a degree thus improving their overall job prospects. The rule that decided my fate, as it were, is a rule that I have to be on social welfare for at least 9 months or 234 working days before you begin the course in order to qualify. Their records show that I have accumulated 178 days and would still be short of the requirement when the course begins on the 17th of September.

It could be argued, and I know people who would hold the view, that I am only applied because I don't want to work during college and I like the prospect of continuing to get "free money" from the state and that I'm only going to university to have something to do during the day while I continue to "live off money they pay" as a tax payer. While they have a reasonable grasp of the consequences of what I applied for (at the time applying) they completely miss-judged my motivations for applying. I didn't enter into the process to avoid doing work. These nay sayers seem to forget that I did work part-time for over 4 years while studying on my previous course and so I know how it in combination with the long commute effected my ability to do the course.

I applied to avoid having to get a job out of necessity and to use the extra spare time to concentrate on any project or assignments I may be presented with. The amount I would be receiving on a weekly basis would be roughly comparable to what I receive now on social welfare, I believe I cannot receive social welfare while in full time education anyway. Of that weekly payment over half is going to a savings account in order to pay my fees (I'll have saved over 2000 by the time the course starts) leaving me with quite a modest amount each week as disposable income. This arrangement would have continued on the BTEA and certainly wouldn't be the picture of me getting free money to go out clubbing weekly or more often that I'm sure they envision. Now it seems that I need to get a part time job at the weekend (not an easy task in this economy which is the main reason I'm on social welfare to begin with) in order to equal the modest amount that I'd receive every week from the BTEA. If I can't find a job I don't know what I will do.

The concept of future financial uncertainty isn't a new one to me. For stages while I was in Canada it was the case and it severely effects any long term motivational goals you may have. Having a steady, reliable stream of income, no matter how modest it is, provides a sense of certainty into the future and thus you don't have to think "can I afford to meet up with my friends the weekend after next?" "can I afford that gig by a band I like next month?" let alone thinking about your love life and whether you can afford to go out dating or if you don't want to reveal your financial troubles to a girl in case she's completely put off by that and wants a guy who does have achievable long term goals and likes to go out occasionally for drinks or other social activities with her potential boy-friend. All you can do is to try and occupy your days with free activities to avoid spending the entire day indoors which I can tell you severely hinders your self esteem.

This does not bode well for any potential relationship with Xena.... Life does seem to hit you when you're down.

Is it these fleeting connections with humbling personalities that life is about?

Isn't it strange that when writing about matters of one’s interactions with unique members of the opposite sex that it naturally leads itself to the use of poetic language...

I'm reluctant to even publish this blog post and still may not but I simply had to write it down because I'm literally losing sleep over it and there's also the danger of "outing" something that may need mutual personalities to develop or dissolve if that's how things pan out. Or how much detail I should go in to.

So here it is. On the Thursday of my train journey home. I was aimlessly browsing facebook on a coin operated computer in the train station (my phone was dead and the wifi was an insult to the concept of itself), when I was reminded of an Atheist's in the Pub social meetup (run by Atheist Ireland, a group I have a lot of time for) was on that evening at half 7. It was about 5.20 at this stage and so getting home and back into the city would have been a tall order (try to imagine the two long lines of a triangle and you will get an idea of what I was attempting to do). I travelled home, dumped my bags in the hall (quite literally), showered, changed and then headed out again without any pause for a bite to eat.


I ended up arriving at about half 8, but as these events have open ended arrival times hardly any notice was given. I naturally had thought to procure a pint of Smithwicks (I fancied it that night for some reason) before heading upstairs to where the meetup was being held. Now there was a comedic  act by Abie Philbin Bowman that I walked in about half way through (sorry man) and two speakers talking about how and why they left their religions: Vahid Bokharaie who was raised as a Muslim in Iran, and Victor Diac who studied to be an Eastern Orthodox priest in Romania. All 3 were entertaining and informative.


Afterwards I found myself craving another pint so downstairs I went with the general flow of a few others who had the same idea. Upon opening the door into the bar I noticed this cute red head who looked over at me as I entered the bar part of the establishment. I smiled and either waved or nodded a greeting in her direction as I walked past to order another pint and I remember thinking "cute girl, must be one of the patrons just out for the night". As I was waiting for my drink I noticed she was talking to Vahid and was drinking an Irish Ale that I'd not heard of as it seemed to be a micro or small batch production brew. I was a bit surprised (albeit pleasantly) to find out that she was "one of us" or at least interested enough to strike up a conversion with one of us. At this stage I was just being pleasant as I just met the girl, let's call her Xena mainly as it has no correlation to her real name, and didn't know anything about her. We returned upstairs with our fresh pints and sat down at what seemed to be a freshly vacated table. This core 3 pretty much stayed in conversation for the rest of the night and we got into an unspoken rounds arrangement. 

The more I talked to this girl the more I found that our personalities and sense of humour just seemed to click she was an incredibly easy girl to talk to. Now not once did I bring up the subject of relationships or dating so I've no idea if she was single or not or even if she was interested in me but I got an unspoken vibe off her despite totally unrelated subjects that we were getting closer. Eventually bar staff told us to vacate the upstairs so we headed downstairs and, as I said before, the core 3 of us seemed to form in a corner and strike up a conversion again. I'm pretty sure I'd switched to Guinness at this stage and the conversations and mingling seemed to continue with various people sometimes coming over to us for a bit. I found that on more than one occasion she put her arm up on my shoulder as if to lean on it or to get comfortable. I'm not sure who started it, It may have well been me as I do it to my female friends or guy friends sometimes when out drinking as a kind of "you're all right, I get along with you" subtle affectionate move. But I remember at one stage we both had our arms on each other’s shoulder while talking to Vahid, which was strange considering I'd only met the girl a few hours beforehand. Now I do admit there was some subtle flirting and teasing going on on my part just to see how she would react but I didn't want to push it too far too soon. I also remember at one stage her telling me her age, 30, and that honestly threw me a wobblier and I nearly had to compose myself again. Not only had I assumed she was my age (she didn't look her age and I wasn't the only one to tell her that), but it had me doubting myself. 30? I can't date a 30 year old, can I? Why would a 30 year old even be interested in me? Am I mature both mentally and relationship experience wise to successfully enter a relationship with a 30 year old? Would she get bored or call me immature? All these and more were racing around my head.

Now in hindsight I probably should have made my feelings more clearly known but the truth is I didn't even know them to a full extent at the time and I still wasn't sure how she was handling it (I'm terrible at reading signs from girls). Sure we were getting on fine but in the back of my head I was thinking "you only just met this girl and there's people all around, you can't just give her a peck on the cheek". I also knew that I wanted to get in touch with this girl so I asked her to add me on facebook. My phone was at home charging due to the train journey and I suppose I subconsciously compartmentalised that in my head because the thought of asking for her phone number genuinely didn't occur to me, nor did giving mine. Not even with the potential tried and trusted solution of asking the bar man for a pen and paper. Nothing, Zilch. Facebook was the one trick pony I had.

As we were all departing and she was walking in the direction of what I presume was a taxi rank I called her back for a hug and I attempted to give her a kiss on the cheek but I'm pretty sure I mostly got hair. Now I'm left with the grim and paranoid realisation that the next Atheist Ireland event is in mid to late September and, although I'd love to meet up with her beforehand, I've no way of communicating with her, despite frantic searches on Facebook. So all I can do is wait till then and hope she turns up and not pissed off with me. Occasional searches of the Atheist Ireland group on Facebook may also help. 

You never know.