Is it these fleeting connections with humbling personalities that life is about?

Isn't it strange that when writing about matters of one’s interactions with unique members of the opposite sex that it naturally leads itself to the use of poetic language...

I'm reluctant to even publish this blog post and still may not but I simply had to write it down because I'm literally losing sleep over it and there's also the danger of "outing" something that may need mutual personalities to develop or dissolve if that's how things pan out. Or how much detail I should go in to.

So here it is. On the Thursday of my train journey home. I was aimlessly browsing facebook on a coin operated computer in the train station (my phone was dead and the wifi was an insult to the concept of itself), when I was reminded of an Atheist's in the Pub social meetup (run by Atheist Ireland, a group I have a lot of time for) was on that evening at half 7. It was about 5.20 at this stage and so getting home and back into the city would have been a tall order (try to imagine the two long lines of a triangle and you will get an idea of what I was attempting to do). I travelled home, dumped my bags in the hall (quite literally), showered, changed and then headed out again without any pause for a bite to eat.


I ended up arriving at about half 8, but as these events have open ended arrival times hardly any notice was given. I naturally had thought to procure a pint of Smithwicks (I fancied it that night for some reason) before heading upstairs to where the meetup was being held. Now there was a comedic  act by Abie Philbin Bowman that I walked in about half way through (sorry man) and two speakers talking about how and why they left their religions: Vahid Bokharaie who was raised as a Muslim in Iran, and Victor Diac who studied to be an Eastern Orthodox priest in Romania. All 3 were entertaining and informative.


Afterwards I found myself craving another pint so downstairs I went with the general flow of a few others who had the same idea. Upon opening the door into the bar I noticed this cute red head who looked over at me as I entered the bar part of the establishment. I smiled and either waved or nodded a greeting in her direction as I walked past to order another pint and I remember thinking "cute girl, must be one of the patrons just out for the night". As I was waiting for my drink I noticed she was talking to Vahid and was drinking an Irish Ale that I'd not heard of as it seemed to be a micro or small batch production brew. I was a bit surprised (albeit pleasantly) to find out that she was "one of us" or at least interested enough to strike up a conversion with one of us. At this stage I was just being pleasant as I just met the girl, let's call her Xena mainly as it has no correlation to her real name, and didn't know anything about her. We returned upstairs with our fresh pints and sat down at what seemed to be a freshly vacated table. This core 3 pretty much stayed in conversation for the rest of the night and we got into an unspoken rounds arrangement. 

The more I talked to this girl the more I found that our personalities and sense of humour just seemed to click she was an incredibly easy girl to talk to. Now not once did I bring up the subject of relationships or dating so I've no idea if she was single or not or even if she was interested in me but I got an unspoken vibe off her despite totally unrelated subjects that we were getting closer. Eventually bar staff told us to vacate the upstairs so we headed downstairs and, as I said before, the core 3 of us seemed to form in a corner and strike up a conversion again. I'm pretty sure I'd switched to Guinness at this stage and the conversations and mingling seemed to continue with various people sometimes coming over to us for a bit. I found that on more than one occasion she put her arm up on my shoulder as if to lean on it or to get comfortable. I'm not sure who started it, It may have well been me as I do it to my female friends or guy friends sometimes when out drinking as a kind of "you're all right, I get along with you" subtle affectionate move. But I remember at one stage we both had our arms on each other’s shoulder while talking to Vahid, which was strange considering I'd only met the girl a few hours beforehand. Now I do admit there was some subtle flirting and teasing going on on my part just to see how she would react but I didn't want to push it too far too soon. I also remember at one stage her telling me her age, 30, and that honestly threw me a wobblier and I nearly had to compose myself again. Not only had I assumed she was my age (she didn't look her age and I wasn't the only one to tell her that), but it had me doubting myself. 30? I can't date a 30 year old, can I? Why would a 30 year old even be interested in me? Am I mature both mentally and relationship experience wise to successfully enter a relationship with a 30 year old? Would she get bored or call me immature? All these and more were racing around my head.

Now in hindsight I probably should have made my feelings more clearly known but the truth is I didn't even know them to a full extent at the time and I still wasn't sure how she was handling it (I'm terrible at reading signs from girls). Sure we were getting on fine but in the back of my head I was thinking "you only just met this girl and there's people all around, you can't just give her a peck on the cheek". I also knew that I wanted to get in touch with this girl so I asked her to add me on facebook. My phone was at home charging due to the train journey and I suppose I subconsciously compartmentalised that in my head because the thought of asking for her phone number genuinely didn't occur to me, nor did giving mine. Not even with the potential tried and trusted solution of asking the bar man for a pen and paper. Nothing, Zilch. Facebook was the one trick pony I had.

As we were all departing and she was walking in the direction of what I presume was a taxi rank I called her back for a hug and I attempted to give her a kiss on the cheek but I'm pretty sure I mostly got hair. Now I'm left with the grim and paranoid realisation that the next Atheist Ireland event is in mid to late September and, although I'd love to meet up with her beforehand, I've no way of communicating with her, despite frantic searches on Facebook. So all I can do is wait till then and hope she turns up and not pissed off with me. Occasional searches of the Atheist Ireland group on Facebook may also help. 

You never know.